They Will Kill You
By now you would think I’d be over streaming, and really, movies for the most part these days being kinda dull with a few exceptions. One of my current favorite things is watching young people who react to movies on YouTube. There are a large number of people and couples who do this, and they watch old movies. And they enjoy those old films quite a bit and it makes my heart happy. Maybe someday it’ll become cool again to make great films like the ones these young’uns are enjoying.
Okay, enough with the curmudgeonry. I have been seeing the trailer for this film for some time now. It looked like it may be a fun bloody, action-y horror fest with loads of humor. I can’t believe I fell for the Inverse Law of Movie Trailers. The film starts with a quote that doesn’t really fit the narrative, “When the poor give to the rich, the devil laughs.” As a statement on current politics, sure, it works. As a nodding tagline to the movie as a whole, it really doesn’t. Asia and her little sister Maria are on the run from a bad, bad guy who is also their dad. They get caught, they get separated. Ten years later, Asia knocks on the front door of an old, imposing structure that reminded me of The Umbrella Academy house. She’s there to join the squad of maids employed by the establishment of The Virgil, a nine story edifice that seems a little off from the jump. Hijinks ensue.
Right off the bat even someone as clueless as me noticed hints that the rich people who live there are kinda ageless. So I wasn’t terribly surprised when it’s revealed that they are, in fact, ageless. Despite an in your face warning, Asia stays at the Virgil long enough to become engaged in a drawn out war with evil. It’s tough to say much more than that without major spoilers. It has a strong Kill Bill lite vibe.
Despite on purpose mysteries meant to keep the viewer in the dark about what the heck all the shenanigans are about, the film keeps plugging along, with one massive fight scene after another. The choreography for those are only okay, and there’s not enough blood. Given the number of deaths, you would think the gore would be better than only okay. The reason for those scenes aren’t fully explained until very, very late in the movie. By then I was just staring at the screen, wondering if this film actually had an end, or if I had wondered into the nine levels of hell as Virgil described them. Get it? Virgil? Nine levels? Again with the subtle. There are plenty of clues all along that are, I suppose, designed to make you want to watch the movie again to catch all the clues. Since I barely made it through once I think they wasted their time with that.
There are moments that are supposed to be funny. They read as funny, but do notice the lack of smiling on my face much less a laugh. There was music. I think I was supposed to be wowed by some of the imagery. And then we get the very endy end of the movie and I had a couple of questions that I may or may not google for an answer. I think you might want to bet on the Don’t Pass line.
Was I disappointed in this movie? Whyever would you ask that? The idea was clever, I’ll give them that. And that’s all I’ll give them. A lot of my disappointment was falling for the Inverse Law of Movie Trailers. It’s a fun one and the movie looks good. The only reason I watched to the end is my doggone inability to quit something, even if I truly don’t care how it ends. There’s a lot of Almost Good in the film, but really, I can’t recommend you bother unless you want to watch endless, pointless violence.
Triggers: lots and lots and lots of stabby, cutty, shooty and bashy violence, some old school evil
Available on: prime video, apple tv, HBO, Fandango, hulu
LINKS:
CFR: In Addition
Huh. What Cranky has just described sounds like it could a really fun movie. I mean, LOLOLOL when watching that very fun trailer and Huzzah to a black woman standing her ground!! YES! I mean it has Zazie Beetz! She of Deadpool 2 fame and general awesomeness. I mean she dishes out the justice and I love it! Or rather, as Cranky might point out, I love the trailer.
Huh. I may watch it anyway….. Or at least fast forward through it while streaming.
Or watch that fun trailer over and over again!
