Borderlands
For once I’m not sure how to begin a review. A lot of y’all probably have watched Borderlands at some point, so reading my words about it basically sets your trust meter on my reviews. Did she like something I hated? I loved this movie, how can she hate it? A lot of you probably have not seen it yet, so I have to have a care about how I discuss this assembly of High Demand Stars In Weird Roles. Of course I saw it because of the actors, I was curious. I knew it’s based on a game – aren’t most shows and movies these days based on a game? But I’ve never played it, had no clue what it’s about. So, there are a lot of ways for me to go in my review. Let’s start with this.
I hated it.
The simpleminded story begins with a super serious Kevin Hart kicking the butt of a thousand taller fellow soldiers to rescue a girl being held in some kind of prison or whatever. He takes her to Pandora, where a fabled “vault” holds unimaginable riches, most of them in the form of planet busting weaponry. The girl’s Elon-ish father hires the best bounty hunter in the system, played by a pink wigged Cate Blanchett, who grew up on Pandora and hates it for the hell hole it is. She has issues, y’all. He wants the girl, who is supposed to lead him to the vault. Mayhem ensues.
There’s a large Mad Max Thunderdome look to the world including an endless supply of large and muscle-y white men wearing death masks who are genetically compelled to run into machine gun fire. The movie’s DNA shows strongly in every aspect, from the look of the cartoonish characters to at times unending computer game style action sequences that went on and on and on and are obviously taken directly from a game that requires a thing to show how to go to that thing and lots of shooting in narrow confines with a bevy of weird handguns. I got it pretty quickly. Game is a shooter, no need for any more plot than that. Sometimes the extreme gameplay mode took me back to my Zork days, being trapped in an endless corridor…
Although the rote and lame character beats was annoying, something else became quickly apparent. These actors didn’t have zero chemistry, they had negative chemistry. They were nearly Wild Wild West Kevin Kline and Will Smith level and it was weirdly disturbing. Even the on-set interviews where they’re supposed to sing the praises of the movie were awkward. Someone should have provided some cue cards. I was surprised to see how cold Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis were. They are actresses of a certain age and similar experiences but they can barely look at each other. I kept watching for one of them to bare their teeth at the other.
As is common in space opera, there is a cute, tagalong robot who looks funny, talks funny, and takes care of the fragile humans. Except, this robot is crushingly not funny and causes trouble instead of helping. It’s Jack Black channeling Billy Crystal doing his broadest Jewish voice. The character is annoying and dumb, and his Princess Leia video moment landed like a lead balloon. I can understand director Eli Roth thinking a robot shitting out a thousand rounds of ammunition after being shot up is funny. He’s that kind of guy. I didn’t think it was hi-larious and summed up the dangerous stupidity of the character and how the humor is super forced, like a bad case of constipation.
There was one scene I really enjoyed. Someone thought it would be cool to have the hot masc bartender flirt with the Cate Blanchett character. She was flirting so hard even I could see it, and it was the absolute best part of the movie for me.
The movie was bad, and then got worse. It’s predictable beat for beat even if you haven’t played the game, the characters are paper thin and the actors do not work well together and seem aware they’ve made a stinker. The humor is terribly forced, especially by the robot, and the shooter style action sequences look like extended cut scenes. Oh, there was one other cute moment that made me smile. When the director talked up a sequel.
Triggers: Lots and lots and lots and lots of gamey violence.
Available on: DVD, appleTV, philo, DirectTV, fubo, plex, Fandango at Home, Starz, Row80
LINKS:
CFR: In Addition
What? Oh Cranky! You didn’t like it? I am so sorry my friend. I pretty much thought that Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis being hot badasses would be enough. I am so so so so sorry.
Bummer.
Now my first instinct was to NOT watch this movie because I really don’t like the surviving the apocalypse genre. Too sad and disturbing for me. I was thinking of watching this because of the actors. Now, maybe not.
Bummer.
Oh well.
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