Geostorm
In yet another fruitless search for something worthy to review that is on streaming, I went with a film that I knew was going to be bad. It’s a 2017 film that is set in the near future of 2019, where all of mankind has banded together to build a space station the size of three death stars, controlling hundreds of satellites that control the world’s weather. Yeah, I may have read a review that popped up in my Google feed and decided what the heck, I’ve already watched one dreadful movie today (there should be a law against dude bros making lesbian films).
Also, why am I seeing so many Gerard Butler films? I really don’t like him, but all of a sudden I’m seeing a lot of him on screen. Here are some other actors in the movie: Andy Garcia, Mare Winningham, Ed Harris, Jim Sturgess, Richard Schiff, David S. Lee. Okay, some of those you don’t know their name but you will absolutely remember seeing them in something. For instance, David Lee specializes in really bad men. You will have seen him killing or menacing some hapless characters elsewhere, and have cheered when he died badly. I was mildly surprised that the best acting in the movie came from the kid playing the daughter.
I almost couldn’t do it, when it began with a child’s voice explaining the backstory in great and dramatic detail for several minutes, something that could be done with an image and thirty seconds of dialogue to set character. Which they did about three seconds after I wrote that in my notes. But I kept going because I was already numbed to the pain, and was curious how bad it could get. Not all of it is horrible. The science fictional premise is interesting and of course ripe for disaster movie treatment. There is some good imagery, like the frozen solid desert dwellers that looked like leftover extras from Day After Tomorrow, and familiar political shenanigans.
Everything was just so off, though. I think my favorite is the guy galloping a camel away from a tidal wave and the caption reads: man guides horse from water. There’s a cool as a cucumber woman secret service agent, who is in love with the neck twitchy, breathy lead actor, who plays a smarmy suit adjacent to power. The world’s most famous scientist of all time heads to the space station to fix things and none of the department heads on this 600+ population station recognize him? The guy that built the station? Science has figured out ways to aid the end of bad weather, like hurricanes with bombs and lasers from space, so now all anyone has to do is – I kid you not – push a button and the bad stuff stops on Earth in literally a second?
I stopped taking snark notes pretty early, but there’s a lot more of that nonsense. One of the very worst things is that this is the baby of the guy who produced Star Gate, and Leverage, two excellent tv series. Dean Devlin has become, I guess, the Zack Snyder of cheap science fiction.
A few fun things happen, my favorite being the President saying the actually believable line, “Marry her.” He said it without a hint of a smirk. That’s the kind of line that used to be loaded with sexist innuendo, but here seemed a sincere comment on the absolute kick assedness of the now engaged character. The German scientist lady in charge of the space station couldn’t fight her way out of the black hole the writers shoved her in, but there is a fair amount of diversity amongst the scientists and computer whizzes.
Still, I won’t recommend running away from this movie that seems written for the AITA Reddit. Sometimes you just want to settle in for an hour and a half of a popcorn movie – the kind you throw the popcorn at. I didn’t scroll on my phone or fall asleep, and as I mentioned there are some fun moments.
Triggers: end of the world yada yada
Available on: Paramount+, Apple tv, Prime, Fandango at Home, Row 8, DirectTV
LINKS:
CFR: In Addition
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Ok wait, what was this review about again?
Oh right. A movie about the end of the world. Since I don’t like these movies I probably won’t watch it. Then again, I might, Cranky’s review in hand, and laugh a lot.
WAIT!!!! NOTE: Hey Cranky and audience, please remember. Actors and producers and movie makers gotta eat too. So they work on substandard material. It happens. And I am so sorry for them. I hope they all at least had a good time.
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